The Continuing Adventures of Buck Starr

The Continuing Adventures of Buck Starr

A cheesy 50's-style sci fi epic featuring a lantern jawed space hero and his plucky kid sidekick as they protect the galaxy from the evils of the insidious Dr. Pismo! A play in 6 acts.

The players:

Buck Starr - The Space Hero of Tomorrow -- Today!
Bucky - His Plucky Sidekick
Becky - Buck's Buxom Bride-to-be
Wrench Dirtwater - The Grizzled Mechanic of Buck's starship, the Shakespeare's Excuse Me.
Dr. Pismo - The Insidious Bug-Eyed Scientist who wants to (dare we say it) Rule the Universe!
General K'Frafrafra - Dr. Pismo's Strong-Arm, Leader of the Legions of K'Frafrafra
Admiral Jupitron - Buck's Commanding Officer in the United Galactic Earth Interstellar Space Patrol Force
Saturnalia - Admiral Jupitron's Wicked, Sultry Daughter who's got her eye on Buck
Gip the Scrimble - Cute Alien Pet of Bucky's. Only says "Pleep!"
The Narrator - Creator of Exposition In True Heroic Fashion!


Cue the creepy music

The Narrator: Somewhere in the deepest regions of unexplored space, on an uncharted asteroid known only as Asteroid X-37, in the Unknown Secret Laboratory of Dr. Thaddeus J. Pismo, an unconducted experiment is reaching its horrible climax...

[Sound Effects: Laboratory noises]

Hugo, Dr. Pismo's Assistant: Master, this experiment is madness!

Dr. Pismo: Madness, Hugo? Was Isaac Newton mad when he invented gravity? Was Albert Einstein mad when he invented the space-time continuum? Was Clangmar Forbasnoffin mad when he invented the self-poligating refleximus? Was--

Hugo: But Master -- this is monsterous!

Dr. Pismo: Enough of the adjectives, Hugo! Throw the incredibly high-tech switch device!

Hugo: No, master, no!

Dr. Pismo: Yes, master, yes!

Hugo: No, master, no!

Dr. Pismo: Yes, master, yes!

Hugo: No, master, n--oh, all right.

[SFX: Sounds of lots of high-tech beeps, metallic grindy noises, etc. (Did I forget to mention this is a radio play?) Through it all, we hear Dr. Pismo laughing maniacally. Finally we hear a loop of organic sloshing noises and machines in operation.]

Dr. Pismo: It worked! It WORKED!

Hugo: Wow, that's indescribably horrible, Doctor!

Dr. Pismo: Yes, isn't it? Now to test it. Hugo, walk boldly toward it and put your lips on that rather vicious nozzle thing with all the serrated knives protruding from it.

Hugo: Yes sir. Here goes. [Sounds of walking. When Hugo speaks again, it is with his mouth on something.] Ready, sir.

Dr. Pismo: [Sinisterly] Excellent.

[SFX: Machinery, chewing, crunching, and Hugo screaming noises. Maybe a splash or two.]

Dr. Pismo: [Overjoyed] Aha! Vengeance is mine, sayeth the something or other! Bet you won't be eating the last piece of cheesecake now, will you, Hugo? No! And do you know why? Because you're DEAD! Ahahahahahaha!

[Pauses, now sinister again] Now the Universe will be mine...the universe, and then the world! But first...I must find my arch-nemesis, if you will...and perform the final, horrifying test of my diabolic creation. I must find...Buck Starr!

[Cue Music: Buck Star Fanfare and Theme]

The Narrator: It's the Adventures of Buck Starr and His Plucky Sidekick Bucky!

Buck Starr: I'm...Buck Starr.

Bucky: And I'm Bucky!

Buck Starr: You sure are, li'l pal.

The Narrator: Buck Starr, brave interstellar hero of the United Galactic Earth Interstellar Space Patrol Force! Buck Starr, traveling the spaceways in search of adventure, excitement and danger -- all in the name of space justice! Buck Starr -- he's the hero of!

Buck Starr: I'm here to

The Narrator: Tonight, we begin a thrilling new adventure in the vast outer reaches of SPAAAAAAAACE!

[Cue Music: Buck Starr Fanfare]

Act 1

The Scene: Aboard the bridge of the Shakespeare's Excuse Me

The Narrator: Our story begins with Buck and Bucky lounging in the lounge of their jerry-rigged star cruiser, enjoying a brief rest after their latest interplanetary escapade!

Bucky: Golly gee whiz, Buck -- whatcha doin'?

Buck Starr: I'm writing a letter to my buxom bride-to-be, Becky. She's currently stationed on Space Lab 5000-X, assisting Professor Aptitude with his latest crazy scheme to end universal hunger.

Bucky: Golly wow, Buck, that sure is some exposition!

Buck Starr: You bet, li'l pal.

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep!

Bucky: Gip the Scrimble thinks so, too!

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep!

[Buck and Bucky both laugh. SFX:Some kind of klaxon]

Bucky: Golly keen, Buck, what's that?

Buck Starr: Just a minute, Bucky. Something seems to be making some kind of noise.

Bucky: It sounds like an alarm!

Buck Starr: [ignoring him] It seems to be some kind of alarm. Hmm...

Bucky: I'll bet it's from Admiral Jupitron! There's probably another emergency!

Buck Starr: No, Bucky, I'm sure it's some kind of signal. And unless I miss my guess, it's Admiral Jupitron calling about another space emergency!

Bucky: Should I activate the hypertronic video receiverscope?

Buck Starr: No, Bucky, we've got more important things to do. Activate the hypertronic video receiverscope.

Bucky: Aye aye, Cap'n!

[SFX: The hypertronic video receiverscope, which sounds suspiciously like tuning an AM radio]

Admiral Jupitron: [his voice filtered through the receiverscope] Buck! Thank the stars it's you!

Buck Starr: I know.

Admiral Jupitron: Buck, even as we speak, General K'frafrafra is leading the Legions of K'frafrafra into United Galactic Earth space! Within a light-day, his fleet will be in orbit around Earth. Buck, we need a real hero, and you're our only hope!

Buck Starr: That's nothing new, Admiral. We're on our way. General K'Frafrafra's as good as space dust.

Admiral Jupitron: That's the spirit, Buck! Admiral Jupitron, signing off!

Bucky: Jumpin' Jupiters, Buck! That General K'Frafrafra's one tough space villain!

Buck Starr: And where his armada goes, trouble's always lurking nearby. Trouble spelled...Pismo.

Bucky: Galloping Galaxies, Buck! You're right!

Buck Starr: I know. Bridge to engine room...Wrench, can you hear me?

Wrench Dirtwater: Loud 'n clear, cap'n! What can I do ya fer?

Buck Starr: Fire up the warp turbines, Wrench! General K'Frafrafra's on the move again, and we've got to save the Earth!

Wrench Dirtwater: This is the third time this week!

Buck Starr: And tell me you don't love it.

Bucky: Rollicking Rockets, Buck! This is astro-keen!

Buck Starr: One more stupid alliterative hyperbole out of you, li'l pal, and I'm pushing you out the airlock and watching your lifeless carcasss drift into the vast empty darkness of space.

Bucky: Oh.

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep!

The Narrator: And so, Buck and his fearless companions jet their way through the cosmos. Will they reach Earth in time? Or will their voyage be intercepted by...mystery? Stay tuned for the Continuing Adventures of Buck Starr!

Act 2

The Narrator: And now, the Intergalactic adventures of BUCK STARR... SPACE HERO OF TOM-ahg-acka-aackaga- ulghgaaaaaaaa!

Buck Starr: That's some cough you've got there, chum!

The Narrator: Sorry.

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep!

Bucky: Gip the Scrimble thinks so, too!

Buck Starr: He sure does, Bucky!

[They all laugh.]

Buck Starr: [aside to Bucky] Never let that glorified monkey steal my thunder again, li'l chum.

Bucky: Sorry Buck.

Buck Starr: Now then,I wonder what would be our best weapon against the nefarious General K'Frafrafra?

[Just then, Saturnalia passes through the corridor, attired as usual in a skin-tight black body suit and ornamented only by the communications badge pinned suggestively just above her left breast.]

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep! Pleep! Pleep!

Bucky: Well, I'll be!

The Narrator: [With a leering look at Saturnalia, and a wink to the audience] There's a zipper in there somewhere.

Buck Starr: A weapon sure to bring General K'Frafrafra to his knees, huh? Hmmmmmm. Bucky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Bucky: You bet, Buck! But gosh, don't you think that would a rather impratical place to put a zipper?

Saturnalia: [In a voice just dripping with honey] Hi, boys.

Bucky: Leapin' las-- I mean, jumpin' Jupi-- uh. Wow.

Saturnalia: Pardon me -- I have to... work out.

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep?

Buck Starr: That's it! [He whips out his hydro-space blaster and prepares to turn Gip into stew].

[Just then, a loud klaxon goes off.]]

Bucky: Screamin' Space-sirens, Buck! It's the Hyperdrive Malfunction Alarm!

Buck Starr: [holding his hands to his ears] What?!?

Buck Starr: It's the Hyperdrive Malfunction Alarm!!

Editor's note: the above speech was said by Bucky, not Buck, as is printed. Thank you.

Buck Starr: I can't hear you, li'l buddy -- the Hyperdrive Malfunction Alarm is too loud!

Saturnalia: Can somebody turn that stupid thing off?

Bucky: What?

Buck Starr: No time for that now, Saturnalia! We have to turn this darned alarm off!

Saturnalia: What?

[Unoticed by the cast, Gip the Scrimble scampers over to a large, flashing, red button labeled "Hyperdrive Malfunction Alarm" and presses it with a well-aimed... paw/tentacle/pseudopod/antenna/tongue/whatever. The clamorous dim of the Hyperdrive Malfunction Alarm stops suddenly.]

Gip the Scrimble: (disgustedly)Pleep!

Bucky: Sufferin' supernovas, Buck! That was a close one!

Saturnalia: [muttering to herself] No it wasn't...

[Buck grabs Bucky by the scruff of the neck and the seat of his pants, and prepares to toss him through a nearby airlock.]

Buck Starr: I warned you about those alliterative interjections, chum...

Bucky: Jeepers! I forgot!

Saturnalia: Why, Buck, what an interesting position!

Bucky: Hey, Buck, how'd Saturnalia get on board the Shakespeare's Excuse Me, anyway? I thought she was back on Earth.

Buck Starr: She is, Bucky.

Bucky: Oh, yeah, of cour--WHAAAAAT!?!?!?!?!?

Saturnalia: Why, Buck, what an interesting position!

Buck Starr: You see, Bucky, this is a Saturnaliabot, an android, or "ro-bot," designed to look and act just like the real Saturnalia.

Saturnalia: Why, Buck, what an interesting position!

Buck Starr: She's something I asked Wrench to build for me.

Bucky: Oh, I get it! Sort of a "secret weapon" to use against Dr. Pismo, right?

Buck Starr: Uh, yeah, sure, if you say so. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Saturnalia: Why, Buck, what an interesting position!

Bucky: Gosh, something seems to have gummed up her circuitry!

Buck Starr: Never you mind, Bucky.

Bucky: Gee whiz, Buck, you've done it again!

Buck Starr: And let's not mention this to my buxom bride-to-be, Becky, shall we, li'l chum?

Bucky: Got it. We want to keep this secret weapon a secret.

Buck Starr: Something like that, yeah.

Gip the Scrimble: Pleep!

[And the Shakepeare's Excuse Me storms onward through space towards -- destiny!]

Scene 1

Aboard General K'Frafrafra's huge battleship, which is filled with all kinds of nasty machinery that hums with a subsonic ominousnessnous. Space flunkies scurry from station to station, emergency klaxons wail, sparks of nasty-looking energy crackle from useless-but-scary-looking generators. General K'Frafrafra sits in a huge high-tech command chair, a futuristic demonic throne that towers over the entire complex. An aide approaches.

Aide: General! Space radar has detected a small vessel storming through the vast reaches of space towards destiny. It can only be The Shakespeare's Excuse Me, General!

General K'Frafrafra: [says something in a deep, electronic voice that is so garbled that no one can understand it-- it sounds something like] G'vrama fuvva dragga moh?

Aide: [Has no idea what he was asked] Uh, well, uh, we're looking into that, sir...

General K'Frafrafra: Gmm, gmm...gmmrphmm traa vrmmm phmba mrr.

Aide: [grasping desperately here] Uh, yessir, we'll get right on it?

General K'Frafrafra: Prmfmrm... vmba!

Aide [Hesitantly] Umm... yes sir?

General K'Frafrafra: Frmfrm HZZBM! HZZBM!

[SFX of multiple marching feet, and mecahnical whizzing.]]

Aide: No... NOOOO! Not the Titanium Guards! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

General K'Frafrafra: [Watching aide get tromped to death] God, I fucking LOVE doing that.

Gip the Scrimble: On the shakespear's excuse me Pleep Pleep Pleep? [Gip picks up a blaster and shoots Buck starr in the head sending him flying on to the controll panals sending the ship into a near by sun incenerating Buck starr Becky and wrench, but not gip because he planed this andecaped in an ecape pod]

[Suddenly, that last comment is stricken from reality. Scene shifts to Buck, standing in front of a starscape, holding a box of Malt-o-Meal.]

Buck Starr: Kids, ignore the insane ramblings of some idiot Compendium vandal. And don't forget to eat your Malt-o-Meal! It's space-o-riffic! And now, back to the story!

Scene 2

Interior of the Shakespeare's Excuse Me, in which a perfectly healthy Buck, Bucky, and Wrench are sitting in the ship's lounge, polishing weapons. Buck is talking to Becky on the hypertronic video receiverscope which has somehow been removed from the bridge and placed in the lounge.

Buck Starr: I'm telling you, baby, we had nothing to worry about. That was just the insane rambling of some idiot Compendium vandal. No one got thrown into a nearby sun.

Wrench Dirtwater: [to himself] Though barbecued scrimble sounds pretty good right now.

Becky: Thank the stars, Buck! I was so worried!

The Narrator: All of a sudden the universe explodes in a blinging flash of light and all in the univerce die, except buck starr becky becky and gip of corce because they are the heros and can't die.

Buck Starr: Oh, yes, of course, a "blinging flash" in the "univerce." Of "corce." Whatever.

Act 3

Act 4

Act 5

Act 6

Act 6

The End

Created Sunday, February 7.
Ended Monday, April 26.


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This story was last updated 1991